Introductions, Openings, and First Impressions
Last night, Rachel and I were discussing personalities. ”It wouldn’t surprise me if Little Man turned out like Jay,” she said, referencing the wild and outspoken character from most of Kevin Smith’s movies. She wasn’t talking about our son hanging out at a store and selling drugs, of course, but rather the in-your-face personality that makes the character so much fun to watch.
Further along in the conversation, she brought up the fact she has often repeated, that she thinks I’m introverted. I explained to her, like I have many times before, that my problem really lies in warming up to people. Once you get me going, I’m a great conversationalist. This isn’t a new realization, but what follows, is.
For instance, I love making presentations, I explained to my wife. Once all eyes are on me, even if I don’t know the people who are listening, I’m good to go. This is one of her biggest fears, and we found out why. When Rachel makes a presentation, she looks at it from the perspective of being a live test. Everyone watching, everyone listening, they’re all grading her. That so many people are judging her all at once is a horrifying fact.
I, on the other hand, look at it from a completely different perspective. When I make a presentation, I consider myself to be speaking as an expert, at least on the topic at hand and amongst the given audience. Whatever we’re talking about, I’ve researched it as much as I could, learned all that I need to, and am happy to say, “I don’t know, but I’ll find out,” whenever I’m presented a question to which I do not already know the answer.
What this tells me is that my problem lies in the introduction. I can’t make an opening, and I can’t grab everyone’s attention.
This has been evident in my writing for a long time, and I’m just now learning why. See, I have this tendency to work on the first chapter over and over, rewriting and refining it, hoping that through the process, I’ll find my voice, my purpose, and my plot. Instead of finding any answers, I just start a cycle that doesn’t end until I give up and move on to something else.
Like many people have said before me, the first draft should be written quickly, smoothly, and as it comes. You can’t rush it, but you can’t slow it down, either. You have to let the story craft itself, in whatever way it wants. When it comes time to do the second draft, then you find your voice amongst your writing. Then you find your purpose and your theme. Then, your plot is laid out and you get to go back and make everything connect.
Why has this been such a problem for me? It’s a lack of confidence. Not only is self-confidence a trait that I fail to project, it’s also something that I fail to see within myself. I don’t look at anything that I’ve written and find it interesting because by the time I put word to page, there’s no mystery left. Likewise, when it’s my turn to start a conversation, very little of what I have to say seems interesting to me.
What it all boils down to is that I don’t trust my audience because I don’t trust myself. I’m afraid of a bad reaction from the beginning, and instead of throwing things out there, seeing what works and what doesn’t, I speculate endlessly and end up being wrong most of the time.
At least I’m getting to where I can realize theses things, though. That gives me the ability to work on them and make strides towards improvement, which is always good.