I’m still alive and resisting the urge to make a “hey, I can still blog” post. There are a couple of big stories to tell, though, and I’m going to get to that in a few minutes. First, though, I think it’s time to feed the baby!
I got thrown for a loop yesterday. Really, it was more like an entire roller coaster, except that it was all upside-down parts.
Yesterday morning, I went to a follow-up doctor’s appointment. This was the regular family physician, who I went to see after I couldn’t move my legs for two days. At the time, I wanted some sort of emergency treatment, like cortisone shots, but by the time I made it there, the pain had east up a lot and he ended up telling me that what I really needed was more vitamin D and fish oil. Okay, maybe, but man, there’s a lot wrong with me and a lot of things I need. I don’t mind supplementing my diet, but I don’t expect that to solve very many problems.
He also wrote me a prescription for some NSAID that’s supposed to last much longer than your typical OTC NSAIDs and took some blood. This latter action was supposed to reveal marvelous things to him, but I was skeptical.
Anyway, after I waited an hour and a half to see him yesterday morning, it turned out that the blood work did show something, a particular allele called HLA-B27. After a physical test, he confirmed that I have ankylosing spondylitis. This is a particularly bad form of arthritis that causes the spine to fuse together.
Now, the count of spinal conditions I have is up to three. I’m going to a rheumatologist some time next month for further information. Plus, I’m upping my vitamin D and fish oil intake just because it can’t hurt. And, the doctor prescribed me a steroid for use on days when the pain is really bad.
Now, having one spinal condition without a cure and not really a good treatment is reason enough for depression. Two, and it really sucks. When I found out yesterday that there was a third, it put me in tears.
I hate, more than anything, that my life is and always will be limited. I did nothing to cause my conditions, nor could I have done anything to prevent them. Yet they have struck me, and they struck me good. I got walloped good, and I’m not the only one. Rachel, Corey, and Desmond will all feel the effects of what’s wrong with me.
Here I was, thinking that in a couple of months, I could go to my doctor, get a metal rod shoved up my back, and have a halfway decent chance of being pain-free for the rest of my life, one way or another. Unfortunately, that’s not the case and it never will be. No matter what, AS is going to keep me in pain and I’m going to continue to suffer worse and worse because of it.
Someday, I’ll find myself unable to move. At the same time, I won’t be able to lift my kids, throw a ball with them, or do any of the wonderful things that I have longed to do ever since my father ditched me twenty-five years ago. I worked so hard to build a life that would be conducive to the type of relationship that I never could have, but it’s still impossible.
Yes, I’m whining. Pffbt. I deserve to do a little whining.
Last night, Rachel and I were discussing personalities. ”It wouldn’t surprise me if Little Man turned out like Jay,” she said, referencing the wild and outspoken character from most of Kevin Smith’s movies. She wasn’t talking about our son hanging out at a store and selling drugs, of course, but rather the in-your-face personality that makes the character so much fun to watch.
Further along in the conversation, she brought up the fact she has often repeated, that she thinks I’m introverted. I explained to her, like I have many times before, that my problem really lies in warming up to people. Once you get me going, I’m a great conversationalist. This isn’t a new realization, but what follows, is.
For instance, I love making presentations, I explained to my wife. Once all eyes are on me, even if I don’t know the people who are listening, I’m good to go. This is one of her biggest fears, and we found out why. When Rachel makes a presentation, she looks at it from the perspective of being a live test. Everyone watching, everyone listening, they’re all grading her. That so many people are judging her all at once is a horrifying fact.
I, on the other hand, look at it from a completely different perspective. When I make a presentation, I consider myself to be speaking as an expert, at least on the topic at hand and amongst the given audience. Whatever we’re talking about, I’ve researched it as much as I could, learned all that I need to, and am happy to say, “I don’t know, but I’ll find out,” whenever I’m presented a question to which I do not already know the answer.
What this tells me is that my problem lies in the introduction. I can’t make an opening, and I can’t grab everyone’s attention.
This has been evident in my writing for a long time, and I’m just now learning why. See, I have this tendency to work on the first chapter over and over, rewriting and refining it, hoping that through the process, I’ll find my voice, my purpose, and my plot. Instead of finding any answers, I just start a cycle that doesn’t end until I give up and move on to something else.
Like many people have said before me, the first draft should be written quickly, smoothly, and as it comes. You can’t rush it, but you can’t slow it down, either. You have to let the story craft itself, in whatever way it wants. When it comes time to do the second draft, then you find your voice amongst your writing. Then you find your purpose and your theme. Then, your plot is laid out and you get to go back and make everything connect.
Why has this been such a problem for me? It’s a lack of confidence. Not only is self-confidence a trait that I fail to project, it’s also something that I fail to see within myself. I don’t look at anything that I’ve written and find it interesting because by the time I put word to page, there’s no mystery left. Likewise, when it’s my turn to start a conversation, very little of what I have to say seems interesting to me.
What it all boils down to is that I don’t trust my audience because I don’t trust myself. I’m afraid of a bad reaction from the beginning, and instead of throwing things out there, seeing what works and what doesn’t, I speculate endlessly and end up being wrong most of the time.
At least I’m getting to where I can realize theses things, though. That gives me the ability to work on them and make strides towards improvement, which is always good.
Lunch at the Golden Corral was fantastic. I’ll never go to Ryan’s again. The salad bar alone is worthy of that distinction, as it includes cut strips of ham, chicken, and steak, as well as tiny little baby shrimps, deviled eggs, and everything else that I could imagine wanting in a salad. On top of that, they had a fantastic dessert bar that neither of us had room to try but was covered in a hundred different tasty treats.
As an aside, when a salad is what I’m in the mood for, I want it from a buffet restaurant. Sure, I can go get a chef’s salad or some specialty thing, but that never satisfies my cravings like making my own fantastic bowl of greeny goodness. And yes, it might be better for me to make a great salad at home, but that’s prohibitively expensive. Anytime you have to buy all the ingredients yourself, it’s going to cost a pretty penny.
After lunch, I talked to my mother on the phone. Now that my little brother is getting his life straightened out, he’s talking about being a sheriff’s deputy. I’m not sure how well that’s going to work out for him, but I hope for the best. Rachel was quite surprised, too. Considering that she wants to be a cop (but I don’t want her to), it’s something that they’ll have in common.
My plan for the weekend is to do a ton of work around the house. There’s so much left to be done before the baby comes on the 27th and I’m not prepared. From November on, considering all the travel and holiday stuff we had to do, I got worn out and stuck into a cycle of laziness that I must break. That’s happening today, I swear.
Plus, if I can get stuff done around the house, then that’ll open up some free time and I can write. Yeah, that’s my excuse. Whatcha gonna do about it?
Last night, we vegetated. I chose a rather plump squash and I believe that Rachel was a nice, fluffy head of cauliflower. We set root in the bed and didn’t move.
History channel seems to be overly obsessed with the end of the world right now, which led me to think about the human emotion aspect of that. It seems that ever since time began, people couldn’t wait to get it over with. Funny how that happens.
We did stop and watch that for a while, then flipped between Discovery and NatGeo before we finally settled on watching Family Guy reruns. To me, that’s a much better way to fall asleep. Not that I would for long, though, because Rachel woke me up a couple of hours later to help her find the remote. I only half remembered that, so I must have been only half awake.
This morning, there was no snow outside, despite the fact that the Weather Channel said there would be. Bummer. Okay, I’m lying. Right now, in the shade, there’s a slight dust from a few flurries. Not what I wanted, though, and not what our Little Man wanted either. But he’s happy going to school and I’m sure that he’ll have a good day.
Rachel and I have a lunch date in an hour. We’re going to Golden Corral because I wanted salad and the last time we went to Ryan’s, we were treated like crap. I might go back there someday, but it’s not going to be today.
A few days ago, Rachel asked if I was making any New Year’s Resolutions. That was a hard question to answer because I’ve always struggled with that — coming up with something I wanted to change about myself (hard enough to begin with*) and then sticking to them throughout the year. However, I’ve always tried. This year, though, I wanted to do something different.
First, I established a mantra. Improve. That’s it, and I think the simplicity makes it great. In all things, as much as I can, I want to improve. When this year is over, I want to look back on it and grade myself higher than through 2009. It doesn’t matter what I improve, though, as long as there’s something substantial (and if there are more improvements, then that’s so much better).
Second, I’ve set myself a list of goals. There’s ten of them for 2010. I thought about setting 2,010 goals, but damn, that’s a lot. Anyway, here they are, in no particular order: